Fear holding you back? Here are 5 clear ways to find your voice, speak up, and live your best life.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
There’s no doubt you’ve heard this saying many times before. And I’m sure you agree with it. But I gotta be real with you. I don’t agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Here’s why.
Our voice, that special one we were given at birth, gets put on mute because of this old saying. I’ve seen so many people (including myself, my friends, my family) make themselves small for the sake of niceness.
Pretty soon, they go through life continuously stomped on. Crushed. Always taken advantage of. Are you ready to stop that pattern? I’ll tell how you in a bit, but we’ve got to cover some ground here first.
There are many layers to this ancient saying, and I think it’s high time to peel them back. It’s time to find your voice again. Let’s challenge ourselves here. Let’s ask some questions.
Question #1 — What Qualifies as “Nice?”
Merriam-Webster — whom we’ve all come to know and sometimes love — defines the word “nice” like this:
Polite, kind. Pleasing, agreeable. Appropriate, fitting. Well-executed. Socially acceptable. Well-bred. Virtuous, respectable.
There’s more, but you get the jist. “Nice” is characterized by what someone else thinks of you. A way to be that society deems okay and proper.
Here’s the thing: we, as living breathing human beings, can not possibly be nice every moment of our existence. We often forget this.
We feel things. We get irritated. We let our emotions spew out once in a while — because we have to. We HAVE to let them out.
If we don’t, our issues get bottled up, further propelling our anger and frustrations to grow. And dare I say it — fester.
Then the inevitable happens. We either have a breakdown or turn into someone we don’t recognize. We may become the kind of person we never intended to be. It’s not healthy.
How in the world are we expected to be nice, polite, respectful, and mold into society’s vision of us 24/7? Given our human nature, it’s impossible.
There’s this precedent that we have to live up to the standards of society on a daily minute-by-minute basis. That we have no choice in the matter.
So instead of finding a healthy way to release tension within ourselves, we push it down to be Nice. Guess what? That creates more tension.
Now don’t get me wrong, here. I think kindness is essential to our growth and society. In fact, I believe it’s what makes the human race continue to be one of the magical forces of this world.
Good, kind people make the world a magical place. A big part of that is managing your emotions.
But like all magic, there’s good and bad. There’s Galinda and there’s The Wicked Witch of the West.
There will always be some sort of evil lurking around. Otherwise, what is the definition of Good?
I know what you’re thinking: Where are you going with this?
Everyone wants others to be nice, respectful and kind to them. You do. I do. But we’re kidding ourselves if we think hiding the sad, the bad, and the melancholy away will help everything. It won’t. It doesn’t.
That’s why therapy and creativity exist. But I’m going on one hell of a tangent here, so let’s get back to the reasons why I don’t agree with our well-known statement at the top of the page.
Question #2 — Why Do We Have to be Nice?
You ever find yourself in a situation where you’re dealing with a…difficult person? A not-so-nice person?
These individuals can be aggressive, manipulative, disrespectful, and always seem to have a “but” for every statement you make. Let’s just say it. They are just plain mean.
For the sake of being “nice,” you hold your tongue. They leave in a flaming huff after they disrespected you, yelled at you, and maybe even made a scene in public.
You, however, are left feeling shaken. Small. Frustrated with yourself for not calling them out on their BS. Embarrassed as all hell.
The hard stuff needs to be said, peeps. It’s not said enough. And sometimes the jerks of the world need a little talking to. We need to use our voice. Speak up.
What I’m about to dive into is color. Stay with me here for a moment. This, my friends, is what I like to call the gray area of our beloved saying.
Remember that good & evil magic example? Add colors to that. What colors are they? I can guess the ones you thought of. White and Black, perhaps?
Good magic is associated with white. The Bad magic is associated with black. Galinda = Good = White. Wicked Witch = Bad = Black.
As humans, we like to think about situations, circumstances, and people as either one thing or the other. We like to think in absolutes and feel there is always a side that needs to be picked.
Here’s the reality: Everything is a tint of gray. There will always be factors that sprinkle some black into the white, and some white into the black.
The same goes for our beloved saying. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
While it does send a good message to treat people with kindness and respect, it also has a not-so-good undertone.
For people like you and me, we took that saying very seriously when we were young. We followed the rule to heart, and yet, what did it do?
It taught us to be too nice. Instead of speaking up, we shut down. We didn’t develop a backbone for the jerks of the world. Instead, we let them walk all over us.
Our proverb taught us to quiet ourselves. Our voices decreased to a mute and got buried through the process.
Chances are you’re reading this blog to bring your voice to the surface, which brings us to our next question…
Question #3 — How do We Find Our Voice?
Before I go ahead and answer this question there is something we need to keep in mind. Everyone in the entire world is walking their own journey through life.
Everyone has a different past, and different experiences. Their past experiences shape their concept of the world. You never know what someone is going through.
This my friend is the key behind our beloved saying. It also collides with another common saying you’ve heard thousands of times. Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
The world is round. Everything we put out, comes back in circles. If we treat people like dog-doo, we will be treated like dog-doo. If we disrespect people, people disrespect us.
You know this. It’s an endless cycle. How do we break the cycle? We try to be the best versions of ourselves to the best of our abilities in the moment.
We assert ourselves in a respectful manner. Remember, people value truth and respect. Why do we assume what another person is going through? We don’t know them like they know themselves.
Consideration and politeness is the core of this concept. It is the key to what this blog post is all about. You can speak up with assertiveness without disrespecting others' life experiences or boundaries.
Here’s how I’ve learned to speak up:
Take a moment to assess the behavior of a difficult person. Are they acting out of emotion and pure reaction? They are human too.
Approach this with logic and consideration for your fellow human in mind. If I do speak up, will this person even grasp what I’m saying? Are they in a mental and emotional state that isn’t clouding their ability to listen?
Once you’ve established if speaking up is even worth the trouble based on their behavior, breathe. I mean it. Breathe. If you chose it’s not worth the trouble, kindly dismiss yourself, or show respect by listening a bit further.
If you’re really listening behind the aroma of confrontation, you might develop a different perspective of the situation. Speak from your heart. Humans value truth and transparency when they are conveyed in a compassionate manner.
Write it out. You heard me. Write out your emotions. How did the encounter make you feel? Let it all out onto the page.
But, Amanda, this is going be hard. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I still struggle to speak up. Every day is a new challenge.
But this mindset shift has helped me in so many small ways, and I now have the confidence to navigate through confrontational conversations.
I’m less complacent and more innovative. A big part of this finding-my-voice journey was writing Thoughts While Singing. Give it a read if you’re looking for an in-depth look at the journey to sing out.
Here They Are — The 5 Ways to Find Your Voice
Acknowledge that it’s impossible to be nice 24/7. You are human.
Breathe through the fear of speaking up.
Use your voice in a calm, creative, respectful way. You can be assertive without being rude. This is where your power comes from.
Speak from your heart. Truth and transparency are cherished by the human race.
Write it out. Take it out on the page. You’ll find clarity.
*Bonus tip* Let it go to let it flow.
I hope these suggestions help you on your journey to find your voice. I wrote Thoughts While Singing for humans like you to find their voice and start loving themselves in the process.
Click on the link below to purchase the collection, and you’re on your way to endless possibilities. I believe in you. Sing out.
https://www.amandamontoni.com/store/thoughts-while-singing-signed-copy
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