I Put all of my Romantic Faith in a Celebrity Prince Charming Dream. Here’s how my Favorite Teenage Heart-throb Gave Me My First Kiss (It’s Not What You Think).

A FAN-GIRL STORY

Maybe it’s because I’m endlessly listening to Alanis Morissette these days (she’s playing out of my bluetooth speaker as I type) or maybe it’s because I’m refraining from submitting to the dating app culture, but today’s blog post is about teenage angst, dreams, and romance. How’s that for an introductory sentence?

I’m reflecting upon my relationship history in a different light today. As part of my emotional and self-growth, it’s important to. How can you possibly grow if you don’t know where and how deep your roots are buried? How can you possibly touch your heart’s desires if you don’t reflect upon how your heart might have affected someone else’s?

I must caveat the point I’m making by saying this: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. And neither are you. I think it’s absolutely necessary to reflect on the past. That’s how we learn. To quote the Alanis song that is playing right now, “you live, you learn.” Go listen to it. She captures the sweet madness this world radiates.

Back to my point. Reflect on the past, but try not to dwell on it. Speaking from experience, the moment you do, there’s a pretty good chance you might get stuck in the dwelling. This whole concept is a water well. Like the ones in fairy tales or the Goonies. What is buried (water), is dug up (also water) and brought to the surface, already shifted (it was in the ground, now it’s above it) and already changed.

My teenage years were full of angst…and not. My friends introduced me to the world of pop and alternative punk, which helped me cope with emotions and trauma I didn’t even know I had or how to process. Plus, I grasped a liking for punk/skater fashion. Hot Topic was — and still is — one of my favorite stores. Shout out to the 8th grade lunch crew. You know who you are. I was figuring out who I was.

Despite my darker punk side, I was a generally happy kid, which bled into my formative years. I was starry-eyed when it came to romance. I wanted Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and save me from the mundane nature of a set schedule every day. Someone to magically grant me a better life just by being with them. Someone who wanted me and loved me. The layers of this run deep, so I’m just going to focus on one.

Instead of putting effort into talking to real boys — I was insanely shy — I put all of my faith in one boy whom I’ve never met who fit the Prince Charming description. One who was safe to pine over because he was nowhere near my actual life. One who already had a better, glamorous life than mine. Nick Jonas. Yes, I was a teenage fan-girl. I was obsessed with the Jonas Brothers. I fell in love with them instantly. I was delusional.

I spent my days grabbing every teen magazine I could find. I looked in grocery stores, pharmacies, and gas stations. Why? For the abundance of posters these magazine mongols strategically placed in the pages of their publications. I was a victim of consumerism…because the Jonas Brothers. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. My bedroom walls were full of photo-shoot stills of Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas (mostly Nick).

Look at all those Nicks.

I highly edited this picture from 2008 (great year for a Jonas tour) so you could see the abundance of posters behind me (plus a poster from the revival of 42nd Street).

I saw my dreams come alive through them. I wanted to be a kid TV star. Especially on Disney Channel. I was a theatre kid in the early 2000’s. What theatre kid didn’t want to have their own album, act in a TV Show, become friends with Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato and be in a Disney Channel Original movie? None. We all secretly wanted it. And I wanted to work with those Jonas boys.

I put all of my extra energy into the JBros. The energy I should have put into developing confidence when talking to boys. If there was a boy I found cute in school, I turned tomato red, and retreated into my no-talk shell. Headphones, My Chemical Romance, and the Jonas Brothers protected me.

If a boy complimented me, my eyes popped out in shock. I’m not surprised if they thought I was a weirdo or a nose-in-the-air girl who thought she was too good for them. But I wasn’t thinking about them, I was too focused on my dreams and the possibility of meeting Nick Jonas one day. Again, delusional….or so I thought.

**Jan 18, 2012**

I was walking down 42nd Street after class, and saw a crowd outside of a building. Turns out, the crowd was crowding Nick Jonas. My headphones must have felt my excitement because they were leaping out of my coat pocket. Best stumble-upon I’ve ever experienced.

That day came. Nick Jonas just happened to start his run in How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying on Broadway during my first year of college. I went to Pace University so my mornings were spent downtown in class. Then I would jet over to the theater via the 2-3 line to grab a rush ticket for the Wednesday Matinee.

I wouldn’t go every week. I was a college student who just started her first dance teacher job at home. I was making $20 bucks a week. A rush ticket cost around $35. Plus, I had my future in my hands. College was the number one priority. I wanted a better life with Broadway Dreams.

When it came to romance, I was still delusional. I have stories I tell to this day about how Nick and I made eye contact. How I could swear I caught him looking at me in the audience from the Al Hirschfeld stage on purpose (I have a specific memory of a Stage Right incident). How he remembered me from stage door meetings. Maybe he did remember…

**Teenage Dreams Come True**

Here is a picture of me and one of my oldest friends/fellow Jonas Sisters meeting Nick outside the stage door of *How To Succeed…* I can tell countless Jonas stories with Rebecca. We can’t help it, we love ‘em.

I have a story of when I finally met all 3 of the beloved brothers for the first time together. It was my first Jonas concert meet and greet. I swear I thought Nick was a little jaded that I didn’t say “Hi” to him. I was too wrapped up in meeting Joe for the first time. His eyes are a beautiful amber color and I was transfixed. I was nervous!

With a salty tone, Nick shouted out “Nice to see you again!” as I left the meet and greet area. I have a witness. My friend, who was after me in line, caught up with me after her turn to meet the brothers. “Yo, you made Nick so salty. You totally deaded him.” I retreated into my no-talk shell, just like in high school. I’m sorry, Nick. I didn’t mean to make you salty. Please accept this as my formal apology.

**July, 2013.**

I don’t even remember seeing the photographer while posing for this picture. I was overwhelmed. Hence, tunnel vision. I didn’t say Hi to Nick yet.

All this backstory to say I saw a pattern emerge . I enjoyed the little nuggets of hope when it came to the romance game. I loved playing it. I read into every little detail and got so wrapped up in what I thought was there. So much so that I ended up stunting my own romance success and connection with another human being by exerting an unintentional “don’t talk to me” attitude. This pattern bled into my twenties and stayed much longer than I expected or cared for.

At 30, I am still guilty of reading too much into little nuggets of hope, but I’ve gotten better. I finally came out of the water well, changed. One day it just clicked: celebrities are human. I stopped glorifying them. Boys are human. I stopped being afraid of them. I chalk that up to working at an acting studio along-side Broadway Actors. I started connecting to Alanis Morissette on an insanely deep level.

I started reflecting. And crying. I must admit I became a bit too realistic in regards to famous or creative people. I’m truly sorry to any of my fan-girl friends if I brought any joyful fan-girl moments down.

But because of this new-found realistic approach, my late unbloomed flower bloomed. I made my first kiss happen at 23. Me. I stopped waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. I found courage while scared out of my mind and seized a moment. My first kiss was beautiful because of it.

So thank you, Nick Jonas, for indirectly (also directly?) exposing me to my realities of romance. You catapulted a serious wake up call. Thank you, Alanis Morissette, for writing songs of the layered female heart. You helped me through the wake up. And still do. To quote Head Over Feet, “I am aware now.”

Do you have someone in your past that changed the dating world for you? Do you have a favorite music artist that puts things in perspective? Let me know in the comments!

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Wishing you lots of love, reader. Keep reflecting, and remember, you aren’t the same person you were yesterday.