Stop Abandoning Yourself. Ask This Simple Question Instead.
It’ll Turn Everything Around.
It’s time to move on.
My inner voice kept repeating those words to me, but I refused to leave. I’m a loyal person and I loved teaching.
Then suddenly, I didn't.
I realized I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t my best self. I was afraid to move on, which was a harsh reality to make peace with. Here’s the story.
Being a dance teacher gave me a steady income. I got to dance every single day and spend time with wonderful people. What could be better?
Being the curious person I am, I took the time to ponder this simple question. And what I came to discover was that my life could definitely be better.
I envisioned a better life for myself. One where I didn’t have panic attacks as I stepped into the studio. One where “burned out” wasn’t my constant state of living. One where I gained my patience back (that’s a whole other blog post in itself).
My teaching journey started in college. Freshman semester to be exact. After graduation and an English degree, I continued to teach (and didn’t do anything with my English degree).
Another 4 years went by, during which I co-founded a theatre company and choreographed musicals in schools and theatre programs all over Long Island and Queens. I gained the title of “award-winning choreographer,” which I happily added to my resume.
My reputation was growing, as did my professional performing arts career. I began teaching in more studios and performed in multiple productions, both professionally and in the community theatre circuit.
Another few years of teaching went by, in which I wrote and published 3 books (hey, I did something with my English degree!), and started my journey as a published author/playwright.
Oh! My Directing career took off, which I’m happy to say I’ve been nominated for numerous awards. Another accomplishment to add to my resume.
Like my website says, I’m a wearer of many hats. No wonder why I began to feel like the Mad Hatter. There were so many things happening at once!
To you, that might sound like I was living the dream. But I wasn’t even close. There was way too much on my plate. But instead of stopping when I felt full, I kept saying “yes,” continuing to stuff my face. I was bloated for quite a few years there.
Instead of going on a diet and giving my focus and energy to what my heart was screaming out to do, I kept eating. I kept teaching. I kept stacking my plate.
“Burned out” was a familiar feeling, like how I felt with all of my toxic ex-boyfriends. I thought if I just kept chugging along and working at it, my life would magically change.
I wasn’t living my dream. I was sacrificing it for comfort. For the familiarity. This way, I didn’t have to face the hard work it would take to make my dream a reality. I was sacrificing and abandoning myself out of fear and doubt.
During Covid, the weight chained to my feet lifted. I was forced to stop. Funny how life makes decisions for you sometimes, huh? We all had to stop our lives as we knew them. We didn’t have a choice.
Covid was a blessing in disguise for me. Not only did it give me months to rest, it made me think - really think - about how I lived my life up till that point. I was drowning.
Thoughts of my values, my health, and the image I truly envisioned for my future came to the surface with vengeance. They screamed at me and wouldn’t shut up.
This is what I realized: my teaching life was unhealthy. I wasn’t an energizer bunny anymore. I was out of power. Out of gas. Trudging my feet along the sidewalk chained to the ball of increasing weight I carried for the past 10+ years.
I was not okay. Glass half full — that was how I saw every day. So I made the hardest decision I’ve had to make.
I was going to let go of teaching little by little. And as sad as it was to let a part of me go, to say “goodbye” to people and places I’ve known basically my entire life, I knew it had to be done.
I knew teaching dance classes was the thing holding me back. To be clear, I’m still a teacher. I love to help people learn new ways to love themselves and feel free in their own skin.
So even though I said goodbye to teaching actual classes, teaching dance was something I found I wanted to do on a bigger, slightly different scale. And it just so happened I had a lifetime of stories from the studio I could share.
I had a bigger story in my heart. I wrote Bella the Buck Toothed Ballerina because my years in the dance classroom highlighted a much bigger message I wanted to communicate for the little dreamers out there.
I said goodbye to a major part of me. Did I feel lost after I worked my last dance recital? Absolutely. What I found was the space to give my heart (and my mental health) the chance to grow.
In that space, I heard my future voice. It said “Hello, this is your higher self calling. Give yourself permission to dream. You’ll thank me later.”
That’s my story. Thank you for reading. If you have an inner voice that’s screaming at you, listen to it. That’s your higher self calling.
Ask yourself “What could be better?” Envision your dream life. Make a decision. Whatever doubts or fears you have, you’ll never know if you don’t do something about it. Anything. Big or small.
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