4 Bones to Pick with Dating and How To Bury Them.
Let’s Be Real Here, and Stop Sucking at It.
I have a plethora of bones to pick with the romance world. There’s no doubt in my mind that you do too. Here’s my list, cut down from it's voluminous one.
Unrealistic Expectations.
We’ve been fed this unrealistic view of what romance should be, what it should look like, who should be pursuing who, etcetera. I could go on and on.
The movies we watched as a kid put these fantastical lies into our heads. In reality, love and romance is not a grand gesture and a happy ending. It’s not a girl waiting around for a man to save her. It’s not a man expected to rescue a damsel in distress. That sounds like a co-dependent, toxic relationship to me (aka the patriarchal view).
Here’s the reality: the movie goes on after the final kiss. The credits roll, and the characters have a whole other chapter added to their story that we don’t see or even think about. The final kiss, the happy ending, is a mere moment in the grand scheme of things.
If you’re married, you know that there’s something that happens after the wedding: marriage. Your “happy ending” wedding marks the beginning of years of beyond-the-credits relationship stories.
Romance is the culmination of subtleties. The everyday care for another person in small ways. How you speak to each other, and most importantly, how you show up for each other.
The expectations movies and books put into our heads are unrealistic. Could they happen? Sure. But they negate the layers of reality between two totally different people coming together. Which brings me to my next bone…
2. Love is Enough.
Let’s change Love’s terminology here for a second. Instead of looking at it as an all encompassing thing that magically solves or excuses all problematic situations, let’s look at it as an action.
Love is a noun in another context, but for 2 people who feel all the feels for each other and want to build a relationship, it’s a verb. You choose to wake up every day and love someone or something. And guess what? That takes effort. It takes action.
Two completely different personalities - strangers - are meeting each other. Answer this question: How did you make friends? You took the time to get to know each other. You respected each other. You listened to each other’s perspectives and put in the effort to hang out.
There were probably hardly any uncommunicated expectations because you chose to take action and communicate them. You opened up. You practiced trust. AND you didn’t expect them to be your best friend right away. You took your time and built.
The same effort you put into friendships goes for romantic relationships. But for some reason after just a week or a month of seeing someone, we automatically tie unfair hopes and expectations and project our fantastical notions onto our partner without communicating. YOU DON’T KNOW THEM ENOUGH. Stop thinking you do.
3. One Person Fulfills Everything You Want and Need.
False. You’re kidding yourself. One person can not possibly be everything for you. You have different friends with different similar interests. One may be the go-to for sports events. Another may be the go-to for friend therapy sessions. And another might be your party person.
Why do we, as a collective, think there is one singular person who is everything we want and need wrapped up in perfection? That’s impossible. Every human being on this planet is different who has different strengths and likes and weaknesses and faults and emotional responses.
Give yourself and the people you’re dating a break and fucking realize you’re talking to another complete human with their own thoughts, experiences, emotions, and stories.
More than anything in this world, we all want to feel seen, respected, accepted, and loved. If we so badly want those things, why are we so resistant to give them to someone else? Have an open heart and mind for fuck’s sake.
Hear your date or partner out. You’ll provide the space for them to feel safe to reciprocate. Setting the foundation for your time together going forward.
4. You’re Always On The Same Page
This goes hand in hand with thinking you know a person completely after only dating them for a few months. Here’s the truth: Every single person has a different definition of Dating, Love, and Romantic Relationships.
What you think of as “dating,” the other person might not. When you search “dating” on Google, here are other key phrases that come up:
What it means to be dating?
What is dating vs. relationship?
What usually happens in dating?
What is the official meaning of dating?
If that doesn’t prove that people are all on different pages of the same book at all times, then I don’t know what else to tell ya to help you come to terms with this.
I have my own definition of dating, which is:
Date
/deyt/
Verb
The action of going out on dates/outings or having chill sessions (doing the romantic stuff) with the intention of getting to know someone in order to build a partnership.
I’ve found myself in multiple situationships because I didn’t verbalize and/or communicate my definition. And even when I did, the male facing me thought that meant “she wants more. She wants a relationship right now.”
No. A relationship is one of my desires, but to be in one I fully understand that the person I’m looking at has their own past. They’re on their own journey. Adding another layer, I also understand they might have a different definition of “dating” based on that.
The key words from my definition above are “getting to know someone.” My intention is to see if I even want a relationship with a particular person. I may find after a few months that I don’t, because I took the time to stay curious and discover who they are.
The person is the priority, not the fact that I can say “I’m seeing someone” or “I’m in a relationship.” Who they are matters. I digress, I’m getting into tangent territory…
Let me point out that there’s another interesting layer to these Google searches. They display the crippling uncertainty that comes attached to romantic relationships. It’s ALL UNCERTAIN.
Which could either make you insanely anxious, like me, or avoidant. Either way, you’re probably not sitting with your discomfort. And if you’re not sitting with discomfort and figuring out a way to regulate yourself, you will never have the relationship you always dreamed of.
Because? In order to get near the same page with someone and have the relationship you wish for every day, you have to have uncomfortable conversations. You have to put in the effort to. Take that action. Define your terms, right now. For you.
If you don’t, you’ll find yourself tied into all of the other labels you don’t want; Situationship, Friends with Benefits, Fuck Buddies, etc.
I know, I know. It sounds like I’m telling you to get over yourself. In a way, I am. There’s a bigger picture here. Romance isn’t just about you. It’s about how you AND a whole other complete human work together.
If you pay close attention to the movies, there’s one thing I’ll give them credit for. At some point, the romantic characters make some sort of compromise via something uncomfortable. They get through it. They overcome it. Aspire to do that, not think about what you can get (someone to date/a relationship).
You’re thinking it sounds like a whole mess of gray. It is. The sooner you realize nothing is certain and finite in this world and that change is always always always happening, you’ll open yourself up to the things you truly want.
If ya want a dream job or the relationship of your dreams, it’s possible. It’ll take effort, but it’s possible. Get yourself out of this black and white, it’s-supposed-to-be-like-this thinking. It holds you back.
I could talk about dating and romance and the human condition forever. This is the kind of stuff I send exclusively to my email list. I show up every week. Sign up if this organized rant helped ya in any sort of way.
Get out there and open your heart. Bury your old ways of thinking that don’t serve you. You may meet someone you want to put in effort for.